Ruminating with the black dog
This week we're sharing an essay from Hamish Geddes, founder of Mapify Logistics, about his mental health journey.
Good Monday morning. Next week, we’ll be back to the usual format, but for today’s issue, we’re choosing to showcase a powerful essay from Mapify Logistics founder Hamish Geddes on his mental health journey, and the learnings and lessons he’s experienced along the way.
Below the essay, you’ll find the usual Campfire events listings. You might need to click through to the web version if you can’t see all of the events.
Please note, trigger warnings for this essay include: depression, mental health struggles, and self-destructive thoughts and behaviours
If you would prefer not to read this newsletter issue, and would like to be sent the list of events on an otherwise empty email, you can delete this and email gelb@campfire.scot and one will be sent back to you.
Ruminating with the black dog
By Hamish Geddes, founder and CEO of Mapify Logistics
If you’re reading this, I hope its for one of two reasons: you know me, and this explains a lot, or; whether you know me or not, its what you needed to read.
Over a morning brew, I take the temperature of the day and give myself a number. From one to 10.
When I started using the scale, it had been a long time since I’d hit a one. To me, that kind of day is very productive, routine runs smoothly, any setbacks in the day are just blips and momentum is maintained, no rumination for miles, and in general, highly social.
Ten is the no-go zone. You can never steal the dreams of the child within and care too much about the people closest to you. I haven’t been there, but many of us tragically know someone who has.
Two and three are happy mediums, the day has been planned and delivered, or just about, I’m sleeping well and the routine is still running. Any rumination or setbacks are generally forgotten. If I’m operating here, then momentum is building. For reassurance, I have lived here most of this past year.
Four is where we hit a boundary, tasks are missed and pushed to later days, communication is staggered, sleeping less hours overall, and routine is neglected in the majority. This was a pretty common state, these are “always tomorrow” days. It’s stagnant, but you’re surviving.
Five and six are when the sirens ring out, the warning that an episode may be coming. I’ll either wake every hour or for a couple of hours straight, and routine is all but gone. Even eating can be a struggle, appetite is impacted, I’ll be ruminating persistently and setbacks will either curb productivity or spiral the whole day. Over the years, I found it important to act before this point.
Throughout all of the above, I have the ability to keep a social front, but seven is where that front will fail. I’ll be socially withdrawn, even speaking will desert me, communicating will be a huge struggle or non-existent, minimal output at work and my mind will wander aimlessly. Only my closest see this stage, if it can be helped.
If five and six are the tell tale signs of an episode, then eight and nine are the depths of it. At this point, everything grinds to a halt, zero motivation. I’ll just clear out the diary altogether, social engagements cancelled, ruminating about anything and everything. I classify nine as that added torture of being bed bound, self-destructive and hopelessly trapped in a life with no way out.
So between four and five is the key, its where action could stave off an episode. If possible, taking the day off and doing only menial house work - the bare minimum for a dopamine kick - helps halt the progression. When sipping on that morning brew, I’ll use wee tests - is that bed made? If not, boot up the routine, its the first thing that deserts me and it might just keep us at four.
——
I have coped with depression throughout my life, which would surprise even those closest to me.
At heart, I’m a positive, optimistic soul, but one of the most debilitating effects of depression is it’s inexplicable ability to rob you of your sense of self. When positivity and optimism are displaced by hopelessness, it darkens the soul.
Using the scale was the first thing I did to understand what was buried within. It was the most accessible way to describe what I was feeling, track it, and avoid burying it deeper when times were better.
The pandemic was a cataclysmic event for many folks. It now feels like a distant memory, but that first year is where, unknowingly, the spiral began. That story is too long and juicy for this Campfire post, but if you would like to read it, ask Rob for the link.
During one of the worst episodes, I started to think more deeply about the source of it all. The black dog analogy is one that stuck with me early on. Later, I discovered Professor Robert Sapolsky’s 2010 Stanford lecture on the origins of depression:
There are always counter opinions in academia, so take this with a healthy gulp of salt, but Sapolsky explained the mechanics of depression in a way I could get on board with. It is the most intuitive explanation I have found so far, and coincides with a turning point in the journey. The lecture is long but well worth the watch.
The primary takeaway for me was that depression is both genetic and psychological. You aren’t born depressed, but you can be pre-dispositioned by inherited genetics, and when combined with depressive events - even events that most people easily recover from - you may experience a major depressive episode and find yourself stuck.
The earliest memory I have of the black dog was in primary school, sneaking over the playground wall to a secluded spot so we could play fetch. Friends from across the years recounted stories that I had buried, and it helped piece together a timeline.
Those were happy days, the feelings were only fleeting. It was that combination of entrepreneurial and personal depressive events within a very short period of time that beached me. Both played out together, and fed each others worst tendencies, amplifying those early feelings to the extreme. A therapist said at the time that I had been operating for a few years under a level of stress that most would not stand for weeks. I’m not sure I believe that. I suspect we all go through our own versions of these events, some far darker than this story. It just uncovered something that needed to be dealt with, one way or another.
And maybe thats the point of this - we manifest in our own way, so how does it feel exactly?
It usually starts the night before, the metallic taste creeps out from underneath my tongue. As I sleep, I’ll wake multiple times. The taste has crawled down to my chest, and its taken its physical form, its tight, lightly suffocating, and pulsating. “Fuck right off”. It cycles every few minutes, and I’ll find a brief dip to sneak back to sleep. If it’s persistent, we’ll open negotiations. “Lets have it then”. That could last a couple of hours.
It can be the smallest things that happened the day before or will happen in the day ahead. Anything from running the payroll to throw away comments. They are the simple things, events that mean nothing or tasks that I do often, even on autopilot and cause no stress at the time. They are rarely ever big, stressful prospects of the day, which makes it all the more irrational. More often than not, there is no reason at all.
Once I wake, there’s little point taking the temperature of the day yet. My head will still be stuck where it was. Get up, get the kettle on, and once the engine warms up, get the scale out. If I do it before this point, it’ll be wholly self defeating. Chest will still be tight, mouth still steely, but some semblance of control has returned.
At the upper end of the scale, I’ll just want to tuck away. No way am I going out, even for food. If you’re tucked away with me, you’ll here my voice shrink. It’s here where you have been robbed. You’re sense of self has deserted you, positivity and optimism are pointless, and you now just want to crawl out of your skin and leave it all trapped inside. It’s here, when you have tried all else, where the hopelessness is unbearable.
It is hardest on partners, especially when vocalising is completely off the cards. All interests disintegrate. Everything you normally love doing. Friendships and relationships will be tested today. It used to be easier to mask it with thoughts like “it can’t be that bad, look at everything you have achieved” and “put it to the back of your mind, keep moving soldier”.
Today, I have better coping mechanisms. Music helps, playing guitar drags my mind away with nostalgia for memories that aren’t even mine, as does reading and cooking. Exercise, and particularly team sports, simplifies the thoughts: “block, hit, run, where is he, tackle”, and repeat. I was recently introduced to Connections, and now I’m addicted like everyone else. People watching is an enjoyable pastime, what’s going on in their head? When the taste returns, I’ll open the window before I go to sleep and the fresh air will help relieve the tension in my chest. That was a game changer, even in baltic Scotland.
It can be hard to find, but laughter can just about part the clouds. It works best when you least expect it, as when that investor imploded. The single biggest antidote for me is touch. My mother was the one who held my hand, literally and figuratively. I’m incredibly lucky to have the friends and family I do. You know who you are - you gave me something to hold onto while the dog subsided.
——
Writing this has been a long time coming - a cathartic close to a chapter if nothing else.
Our generation has the opportunity to tackle mental health in a way that previous generations couldn’t. To the entrepreneurs reading this: its too easy to bury deeper feelings because the evidence from the outside is often so positive. There is a perception that we are outliers, equipped to handle all pressures, where success in itself is a remedy to depression. Whilst this is true to some extent, it doesn’t necessarily come without a lasting impact. Being equipped to handle the pressure goes hand in hand with expertly hiding the negatives and promoting the positives, even within the Chatham House. No-one should feel guilty that they didn’t see the tell tale signs - they’ve been buried deep within.
Now is time to cast that facade aside, so this is my contribution on how I cope. I hope it can provide some solace to those going through similar times.
This story has focused on those darker places, but there is a happy ending - there is a way back, and if you are reading this for hope, then I prescribe you a healthy dose.
Now, its onto the London phase of this journey, a new phase that has finally returned hope to life - something that nine made me doubt would happen again. You might be there, it will subside.
Where episodes used to consume months of the year, they’re now weeks, and maybe soon days. They’ve made me who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same without them - one recent episode, the first in a while, got me to the end of this piece. Dare I say, we may even hit a one soon enough.
The black dog will live with me for the rest of my life, that I have made peace with.
Through biology and psychology, medication and therapy, music and exercise, that cloud of rumination has melted and we’ve learnt to live with one another.
Scotland will always be home, and I will return someday, but it is now time to close this chapter, and start a new one.
——
Oh, and here’s the soundtrack.
If you’re affected by the topics discussed and need someone to talk to, you’re not alone. Contact the Samaritans on 116 123, or visit samaritans.org
📅 Events
🔎 13/03, 13:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: Geovation Scotland Annual Showcase 2025!: Join us at Surgeons Quarter, Edinburgh as we hear from the latest cohort of exciting, disruptive and innovative property, land & location technology start ups. MORE INFO
🎯 04/03, 09:30 🗺️ Glasgow: Female Founders Co-Working Club: Stay inspired, motivated and connected throughout 2025 with the Female Founder Co-Working Club at Glasgow Eagle Labs! MORE INFO
👨💻 04/03, 17:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: nocode.scot meetup #18: This month we'll be hearing from Liam Sanipe, who'll be joining us remotely from Canada to talk about build an AI-powered personal assistant, AI Jim! MORE INFO
🤝 04/03, 17:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: Tech Meetup Edinburgh - March 2025: The Tech Meetup is a monthly excuse for the tech community around Scotland to network, learn and share new ideas! Enjoy informative tech presentations from your peers, hear about exciting community projects and create new connections. MORE INFO
☕ Unfiltered: Open to everyone, join CodeBase to connect with members of the local tech community. Come for a coffee, networking and build connections, and stay for the hotdesking!
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🎤 05/03, 13:30 🗺️ Dumfries and Galloway: Pitch It To Me: This workshop will allow participants to develop and practice their pitching skills in an informal and collaborative setting. You will leave this workshop feeling closer to pitch ready. MORE INFO
💻 06/03, 10:00 🗺️ Online: Online Office Hours with Archangels: Meet with an Investment Manager from Archangels for direct, personalised advice! MORE INFO
🥂 06/03, 10:00 🗺️ Gretna: International Women's Day Celebration: A full-day event to inspire, connect & empower women to drive change and accelerate action. Don’t miss it! MORE INFO
💼 07/03, 15:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: Office Hours: Get Funding Ready with Hybridan: Meet with Hybridan to find out how to get ready for funding! MORE INFO
🌱 10/03, 09:30 🗺️ Duns: Seeding Enterprise across our Communities workshop - Duns: Two-day course aimed at exploring early stages of starting a business aimed at women and under-represented groups in our communities. MORE INFO
🌿 10/03, 10:00 🗺️ Edinburgh: Edinburgh Greentech Futures: GreenHack: No hacking, tech or environmental experience is required, just a curiosity to learn and an interest in coming up with creative solutions to some of the most pressing environmental issues we are facing today. MORE INFO
🌱 12/03, 09:30 🗺️ Dumfries: Seeding Enterprise across our Communities workshop - Dumfries: Two-day course aimed at exploring early stages of starting a business aimed at women and under-represented groups in our communities. MORE INFO
📈 12/03, 14:00 🗺️ Online: Margins and momentum: How to balance profit with growth: The tech landscape is not what it used to be. The challenging macroeconomic environment and greater emphasis on cost discipline means CFOs must rethink their strategy — balancing rapid growth with profitability. But where should startups invest, and where should they cut back? How can founders and CFOs navigate these trade-offs? How is AI supporting the drive to profitability and expansion? Join this Sifted Talks as our panel of CFOs share their top revenue strategies. MORE INFO
🍽️ 12/03, 18:00 🗺️ Edinburgh: Founders Dinners: Where founders & execs of product startups relax together and connect with peers over food and drinks. MORE INFO
🧩 13/03, 08:30 🗺️ Perth: Perth Tech Mornings: This is an opportunity to meet and connect with people from across the tech ecosystem. We like to run these events with minimal structure, to allow conversations to flow naturally over a coffee. You don’t need a background in tech to join us, we welcome anyone who is interested in chatting to our community and learning more. MORE INFO
💼 13/03, 10:00 🗺️ Online: Office Hours with Potter Clarkson: In this 25 minute one-to one session, you will receive direct, personalised advice from an IP Attorney for Potter Clarkson. MORE INFO
🌐 13/03, 10:00 🗺️ Dumfries: Selling Internationally via Ecommerce - Dumfries: Whether you are starting out, or expanding your retail operations, there are multiple opportunities to going global. MORE INFO
🥃 13/03, 17:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: Barclays Eagle Labs and CodeBase Quarterly Pub Quiz (March 2025): Join us for this month's pub quiz - bringing together the CodeBase and Edinburgh community for a bit of fun! MORE INFO
🌐 13/03, 19:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: AI Networking Evening in Edinburgh: Join Andersen for the AI Networking Evening in Edinburgh! MORE INFO
💼 17/03, 10:00 🗺️ Online: Online Office Hours with SEIS-GO: Securing SEIS/EIS Advance Assurance: Meet with an expert Legal Consultant from SEIS-GO for direct, personalised advice on S/EIS! MORE INFO
🎯 18/03, 09:00 🗺️ Dundee: SMAS Best Practice Visit to Direct Soccer Ltd: Visit Direct Soccer Ltd and discover how SMAS supported the company on its continuous improvement journey. MORE INFO
💡 18/03, 09:30 🗺️ Glasgow: Clean Heat Retrofit Innovation Challenge Showcase: We’ll bring together public, private, and third-sector organisations to share their expertise and show what’s driving clean heat’s growth. MORE INFO
💰 18/03, 14:00 🗺️ Edinburgh: Becoming an Angel Investor (Edinburgh): UKBAA and British Business Bank are launching a series of regional activation events designed to broaden access to angel investing and empower investors to build more inclusive portfolios. MORE INFO
💻 18/03, 18:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: March Meetup - Immersive experiences in the browser: Our talks aim to introduce members of the community, fostering networking, mentorship, learning, and collaboration. Everyone is welcome—whether you’re a beginner or a seasoned engineer. MORE INFO
🍺 19/03, 19:00 🗺️ Aberdeen: Aberdeen - Small99's People, Planet, Pint™: Sustainability Meetup: Pop down to your local People Planet Pint meetup to find more about what's going on locally with sustainability and how you can get involved. MORE INFO
🍳 20/03, 08:30 🗺️ Edinburgh: Continuous Improvement Business Breakfast Workshop: Join our breakfast workshop and learn how lean manufacturing can help engage staff and create sustainable changes that benefit your company. MORE INFO
🚀 20/03, 10:00 🗺️ Online: Selling Your Business Masterclass: Do you have a business succession plan in place? Have you considered selling your business to an Employee Ownership Trust? MORE INFO
💼 20/03, 10:00 🗺️ Edinburgh: Hiring an effective leadership team: Looking to hire the right leadership team or senior executive? Not sure where to start or been unable to attract the right person? MORE INFO
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Team 🔥 Campfire